The Direct Correlation between Loneliness and Recklessness

In Consciousness, Pronoia by Amanda Tan

I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be.Joan Didion

There are times in our lives we find ourselves thriving. As human beings, we are survivors so when shit hits the fan, we find a way back. We always do. And then we thrive.

We imagine things that we wouldn’t be able to survive, but in fact, we do survive. We have no choice, so we do it. Joan Didion

But as human beings, we are also fragile, and it can be incredibly easy to lose touch with that. To lose touch with giving yourself the power to survive and thrive. You are strong one day, and something happens and life takes a baseball bat to your knees and you’re falling in slow motion, unable to catch yourself.

The pendulum of life keeps swinging and it’s swung back down. You forget there was once a part of you that didn’t always do justice for herself, and you meet her once again. Hi, hello there. I see your darkness, I see you. Let’s play in the shadows anyway.

And then you realise, it’s easier than it seems to revert to old habits. And to old ideas. Even after you’ve tasted happiness and stability.

It got me thinking about the idea of why we as a human race often decide to sit back and press the self-destruct button. …Is it ennui? …Is it recklessness? …Loneliness? Is it wanting to feel something other than the status quo? Is that even a good enough reason at all? Considering one might stumble down a rabbit hole of self loathing and confusion? Would it be simpler to leave things invulnerable and untouched, and at what consequence?

tumblr_li492iMKlB1qbaxlqo1_400Let’s be more specific here. I’ve been embarking on a string of… questionable decisions, relationships and conversations. For someone who avoids throwing wrenches into her life, I’ve just been picking up as many as I can and tossing them in there. Diu diu diu. Let’s see what happens, KABOOM!

It’s easy to blame this all on the sudden void left by people leaving or something terrible happening at work or something. But that’s only the catalyst to my already established behaviour of filling loneliness with recklessness and strange faces. Something I’m sure a lot of us are guilty of. I call it break up goggles or, the consequences of loneliness. And just pure crappy self worth. Because what’s a better band aid then the attention of someone else?

Break up goggles are an interesting phenomenon. People who would otherwise be of no interest to you suddenly look sparkly and shiny. And things seem to be better with them. Almost like the plaster feels better than actual skin. Cos you’re finally not haemorrhaging from the chest. Thank God! Right?

And when you talk to people with these goggles on, you find yourself surrounded by “kindred spirit” of equally lonely people. And here’s what we’re discussing today. The 21st century disease that plagues us all. The disease of loneliness. It makes us do some stupid shit.

I was reading a piece by Alain De Botton in the New York Times. And he said this;

We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be wholly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to be appropriately picky; otherwise, we risk loving no longer being single rather more than we love the partner who spared us that fate.

And it made me really sad. But also starve for aloneness.

The voices and sounds that we pick up so easily along this lonely journey are like false prophets. They sound and feel like an answer and we want to prolong that feeling that things are in control, that things are greeaaat so we follow them. And we find ourselves lying to each other about who we are. Until we stop and start all over again with a different God.

Well, I was once my own God. And now I have false prophets and shitty texts.

Chase me I say. Chase me off a cliff.

To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home.Joan Didion
About the Author
Amanda Tan

Amanda Tan

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Amanda Tan is a filmmaker, VJ, writer and artist based in Singapore. Amanda is currently the director of Empyreal, a creative company specialising in film production, live visuals, and content creation. Amanda writes mostly the ratchet things that appear on Psymbiosis.

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