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Back to Basics, Basic Bitches: Ways to get by being Ratchet

In Pronoia by Amanda Tan

So what can you do when life has knocked you down? Your boyfriend dumped you, your independent Graphic design company has dissolved, your hair keeps curling at the neck like a mullet and you can’t get VIP guestlist for the Heineken Party? You’re 27, you’re young, you’re hot (sans mullet).

Well, back to basics, basic bitches… Obviously. Time to rewind 5 years and pretend you’re 19. Screw being ma-ture. There’s a time for everything, and now is the time to fuck it. Party like you’ve just been let out of convent school.

Here are some steps to ratchet your way back to mental health by losing it for a bit:

1. Get yo drank on

Holla, it’s time to haul ass to the club or any event so you can violently throw yourself into the deep end of getting in trouble. A good friend once said to me, that without regrets, there’s no appreciation of the good times. That’s why it’s time to build a list of regrets that will last you decades. Don’t wake up one day, 45, without regrets, wishing you had more embarrassments and regrets.

Yup, you heard me right. Wake up one day, 27, beside a half eaten bowl of maggi mee – got egg some more, whut… (better than a half eaten boy, trust me), yelling, “WHAT NOW?!”. You may then proceed to look for your pants and phone, and make sure you didn’t chip your porcelain veneers on a whiskey glass or something. In the case that you do wake up beside a half eaten boy, you may repeat, “WHAT NOW?! This isn’t maggi mee!”, and stun him into waking up, for dramatic effect.

2. Mini skirt steak

Don’t forget that while getting your drank on, you should be doing it in a mini skirt steak. Stick a fork in it cos you’re hot, well-rested and done baby. Also, eating steak before does wonders. Beef helps you keep your body vertical after 6 lemon drops and a bottle of beer. That and a table spoon of olive oil and writing drunk notes to yourself on your iPhone notepad, reminding yourself to keep it together. Just spreading sober tips here.

Right, back to the mini skirt. What I mean is, look good while you’re at it. My therapist once told me about this girl who came to session looking disheveled as fuck, and when asked, what she likes to do in her free time, she said, and I quote, “Dress up.” When asked why she wasn’t, she said, “Because I don’t have anyone to dress up for anymore.” So, Doctor Are you okay M.D., told her she better do it from now on, she better GET.

Pull yourself together and pull up that miniskirt, you’re letting your ass hang out for you. And maybe, just a little for the homies. The steak might interfere with your ability to wear the mini skirt though, just warning you.

3. Twerk the pain away

You mean you don’t twerk? Be as embarrassing as possible. Nothing is as releasing as releasing your glutes. Twerkin’ is the fast track to ratchet nirvana. Bend your friend over and grind her to oblivion. Twerk up on the wall. Just twerk. If you need a sound track to practice to, I recommend Twerkin!!! by Kreayshaun. Yes, with 3 exclamation marks!!!

4. Fuck a bitch

Self-explanatory. Be safe, kids. HPV is real.

5. LULz at yourself

Seriously, at the end of the day you absolutely have to LULz at yourself and your ~problems~. Be crass, be a mess, lay in your own slimy mass, but know that everything passes and that at the end of the day, you’re alive and you’re intact. Don’t fret about calling Shaun 16 times, or about yelling obscenities in the smoking room. Don’t fret about puking at the Velvet bar or climbing atop your car to twerk for no reason. People are much more involved with their own faux-pas than yours. There’s no need for unnecessary spotlight effect. And if anyone does judge you for your ratchet moments, then it says more about them than about you, sorta.

6. Judge no-one

And of course when you get your shit together, or even if you don’t, judge no-one. The ones who love staying home will stay home, the ones who love slingin’ sour plum shots will sling shots, everyone is living and dealing. So who are you to say what’s the right or wrong way?

Might as well twerk through it if you can. Be it at a club in your booty shorts or in at home, in your panties, in front of a mirror, works out just as well.


Here’s some songs to keeping it ratchet just in case the list wasn’t enough for you:

About the Author
Amanda Tan

Amanda Tan

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Amanda Tan is a filmmaker, VJ, writer and artist based in Singapore. Amanda is currently the director of Empyreal, a creative company specialising in film production, live visuals, and content creation. Amanda writes mostly the ratchet things that appear on Psymbiosis.

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